Less of Me

After a boring post about day-to-day activities and since I have a little extra time I thought I'd share a post about  some thoughts that have been plaguing me lately.

I've been wondering a lot about the impact I'm going to have here because I feel like I am completely inadequate and it will be probably close to zero. My goal is obviously to leave and have them thinking about God and His awesomeness and not about myself; however, I don't see how this is going to happen when it seems like I've had zero opportunity to share about God. None of the conversations I've had with people in the church have centered on Christ and I haven't interacted much with people outside of the church. There are the kids at school and the opportunities I have to teach and give my testimony, but beyond that, I have no idea what God is doing. Maybe I'm not supposed to know what He is doing, but I wish I did.

I know that God has me here for a reason, but I'm just so scared I'll miss it. However, I don't want to be paralyzed by fear, and I really don't think I am. I try to make the most of every opportunity and I've been praying that God will give me someone to relate to and reach out to. Someone that I can edify and share my love for Him with. It doesn't have to be a non-Christian, but maybe it will be. I don't want to limit God in what He can do. He's the Creator of the universe, the Almighty God, the Everlasting Father; He can do whatever He wants! Maybe I'm just trying to shove my expectations on Him and He is just preparing to blow my mind later in the summer...I don't know.

What I do know:

• God shut the door to several missions opportunities that my heart was set upon, and opened the door here
• God provided the funds for me to actually go on the trip
• God put me in a situation that I am not exactly comfortable in even if it is so much like America
• God has a plan
• God is going to do something or what would be the point of placing me here

I just have to ask myself if I am going to be okay if I never know exactly what He did. Am I going to be okay if the only growth I see is the growth within myself? Am I going to be okay if I never feel like I fit in here and never feel like I relate well with the people? Am I going to be okay if people so easily forget that I was here? Am I going to be okay if the only impact I know about is that I talked with some kids and did some administrative work?

I would like to say the answer is yes because God knows best, but honestly right now, the answer is no. I could've done that in America. I want God to do something amazing through me. I want Him to shine through me, and I want to know that He did work through me. I want to know that He used me as a vessel. In my head, I realize that this is selfish and prideful and God definitely doesn't owe me anything.

I just wanted to share this struggle with whoever chooses to read my blog, so you'll have a better idea about how to pray for me. Pray that I will have an impact, but also pray that God will give me peace in my heart to allow Him to work through me in whatever way He wishes. That He will make less of me and more of Him.